Today 1 year ago I was about to leave...only 3 days left. June 22nd will be hard to swallow.
Whatever once started, whatever was unleashed within me is now shackled again. It's struggling, because it wants to break free. Basically I'm fighting against myself because I am the holder of the key to the chains. Why oh why is it so hard to let go?
Before I would leave, people would tell me it will be hard to come back and regain the life I was living before. I would just laugh it away: "No, not in my case, I'll handle it. I'm strong." I read several stories of people doing the exact same thing and when going back, falling into this negative state of mind, something that would eventually look like a depression. I would just say to myself: "they are just not strong enough, I will be."
Well, after almost 3 weeks being back home, those feelings got hold of me too. Being home, I feel more lost than I have ever been. This may have been my life once, but it surely isn't any more. I feel like a stranger tough nothing has changed while I was away. Some people tell me that 'normal' life is how I used to live it: wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat & in the weekend taking rest to have enough energy for the coming week to do exactly the same thing over and over again. And a few times per year allowing myself to go out of this monotonous life and really live it.
I don't agree that this is life. It's not how it's suppose to be. The last year I felt more alive than I ever have been, everything I was experiencing I was feeling it on a totally different level. It was more profound and real. It was never very comfortable. But my mind and heart were very comfortable. And that my dear friends is all that counts.
Tomorrow I'll start working again. I do look forward to it. I hope that it will distract me from whatever I am thinking and feeling right now. And maybe if I'm lucky, these feelings will eventually go away. [Tough it would be a pitty.]
I feel like I am betraying myself. Right now I feel I am not "daring to live", the quote I have been living by for years now. But on the other hand, just leaving again would be the easy way out. Staying and trying to make it work again takes time, hard work and courage (I know you don't agree on this one, but for me it is. It's easier to go.).
What makes it even harder, is having to realize and to accept that I am not feeling very positive right now. It's not what I am used to. 2 weeks ago I still had the inner peace I was looking for since a long time, I felt balanced. Right now, I lost it. It's gone. I am restless again. I have to accept that I too am human and it is OK to feel this way. I am not Superwoman. Acceptance is key right now. Somehow I fill find it back, I'll figure it out.
The Universe will take care of the rest. But please Universe, be clear on what I need to do. Right now you are confusing me. Mind & Heart are fighting. Let the right one win the battle. 🙏
I entered the playground and I find myself on the rollercoaster. Curious how long the ride will be. Maybe this attraction has an emergency button, so I can get off any time. Let me find this button and push it if I dare...
And here I find myself writing in English again.